Well son, what do you want to do with your life?
I am now at a point where I have to make some rather serious decisions about my life. And it is with these sort of questions that I am at my very best and my very worst. I obsess over them–I consult everyone–I consider every possible angle. I write best in these moods. I take time for reflection. The menial and trivial seem to slide away. But I also get down. The signs of futility start to spring up. The inevitable indulgence in despair is one I rarely pass up. “What if with all this thought–all this effort–I end up just degrees from where I’d be if I’d let it all go?” “What if control is just an illusion?” Some of this is outside Rudius, some of this is about which position inside Rudius.
For me, I’ve always told myself: whatever you want to do, that’s what you’ll end up doing. What happens when someone offers you that chance? Do you have an answer ready? I keep coming up blank. “What do I want to do?”
So I decided to break it down in smaller questions. What do I like? Well, I this blog. I like expressing myself. I like predicting what will happen and making moves to be there before everyone else. But I also like leaving when that gets boring. Let others sort out the details; I like the big picture. I like money. I like the feeling of fluid mastery–of the point guard taking the ball from right to left and then spinning as someone reachs in for it. The move that no one sees coming, but meticulously planned. And more than that, I like work. Sometimes, during the day, I fantasize about running until I vomit, wiping my mouth and running some more.
What don’t I like? Well, I hate office shit. I hate being constrained and having to run every little idea through other people. I hate waiting. I hate busy work. I hate having to tolerate people who social inertia has forced me to tolerate. I hate the Peter Principle. I hate the feeling of ripping people off, of delivering what they’ll accept as opposed to what they deserve. I hate school and I’m thinking about quitting. I hate the idea that what you do and who you are must to be entirely separate things.
What do I need? I need time. I need an understanding that creativity must be nurtured–and that almost everything is secondary to its incubation. Someone who comprehends that the war for talent in a service economy will be a costlier engagement than any that have come before it.
In the end, I’m sure a lot of you have the exact same desires. And some of the despondency comes from realizing that most jobs pretend they don’t exist. The idea that the level of bullshit is at its highest in high school and declines the further you move from it is sadly untrue. I see the same shit I hated in people now, that I did when I was 11.
So those of you who have already made this decision: What advice can you offer? Those of you who are making it now: What steps are you taking?
I’m reading a book by Ken Robinson right now and one line has been echoing in my head “Being good at something isn’t enough reason to do it for the rest of your life.” Penelope Trunk wrote a few months ago that you ought to figure out EXACTLY what you want and demand it from your job. The only thing you have to lose is unhappiness and an ill-fit. Machiavelli wrote that fortune must be thrown down and struggled with, that opportunity can be molded to your whim. But first–as is the current dilemma–the whim must be discovered and defined. I feel like I am closer, yes, but not close enough.
I’ve always been one to think about the future obsessively, and its only lately where I’ve been forcing myself to operate on the ‘present and now’ level. Simplifying my desires and coming to a conclusion about WHAT I want as opposed to how to get it is the necessary first step. I’ve learned that thinking about the future so obsessively is a detriment to my ability to reason through the simplification process – I become so concerned with how to get there that I forget what it is I was trying to attain. You’ve been around that block before as well, but my point is that living in the ‘now’ and gaining as much wisdom as possible, while relentlessly simplifying and zeroing in on your desires is the best route as opposed to trying to hopelessly predict the future. We are young after all, we can afford to miss the mark a few times as long as we’re trying. Great post.
Forget about the rest of your life, focus on the next year or two. The things you will be working on 5-10 years from now have not been invented yet. Just do what gives you a sense of pride, accomplishment now. Keep building your skillset and keep moving forward. That’s all we can do.
These are both really good posts. And obviously no future is possible without a basis in the present, but at the same time, there needs to be at least a vague end in mind.
I think you’re my long lost better articulated twin. And if I’m right, you should take a weekend to go surfing, you’ll love it.
Oh yeah and something productive to add..
Even though we live in an age of instant gratification I’ve found myself to be happier by slowing myself down, being patient. I feel that I’m playing the waiting game the best I can. Even though I feel I’ve learned enough from whatever I’m doing at this moment, others are more skeptical. But after a few months… I can move on to something else, and claim this current experience as something legitimate.
Besides in the mean time I’m teaching myself spanish, and reading massive quantities of literature. Thanks for the reading list by the way. Namaste
Being that I’m about to come to a similar cross road in my life I have these exact same conversations with myself daily. All the stuff you say you hate – the office, the culture that preaches change and “kaizen” but practices stagnation, school etc. resonate with me so much. I think there’s one constant in my future and that is that I’m going to get away from all of that. A choice which I think you’ve already made as well.
But as for what steps I’m taking…I’m basically looking at what is the path I can take now that will lead me to experience the most out of life. Like you, I have narrowed the things that I like and don’t like but as your quote suggests I don’t think that alone is enough. I’m not looking for paths that will lead only to things I like, (as after a while staleness is bound to kick in to some degree) but rather paths that use what I like as vehicles to experience as much as the world has to offer. For me this includes travel, meeting different people and doing everything I can to get out of any and all comfort zones. I don’t believe I can actually plan for these things so I focus on gathering a general direction and taking that first step towards it.
And as a side note…running to the point of vomiting and continuing is one of the most memorable moments of my life. That feeling of invincibility you get afterwards is a high that puts a smile on my face even as I type this.
I’m going through the same shit. It seems that once I figure out what I want to do, getting there would be the easy part, but fuck the figuring out part. At one moment I’ll be so sure of something and then upon closer inspection, I’m not so sure, and it fucks me up. I think that any justification for something will be inconclusive and I’m probably just better off at picking something and rolling with that. And Hollywood can seriously go fuck itself for what it did to me.
Some excerpts from an email I just wrote to someone:
“A lot of people have ideas. Not many people do anything about it. The
only problem is when you get to where you think you wanted to be and
then people are fucking lame. Is it still what you want, or are you
going to let them scare you away? Or does it do that to you?
I want to just quit school and work, but I’m not sure if it’s a lack
of balls that is holding me back or it’s because it is the right
choice. I basically have the ability right now to decide whatever I
want to do–but I’m having trouble making a choice.
Fuck journalists though. They’ve never know anything. At least
Hollywood has CREATED some good stuff. Journalism is simply the
retelling of compelling events and even then it’s boring, derivative,
biased and stupid. Almost every compelling writer I read is online,
and even then their weakest moments are when they act like reporters.
None of them know how to write, or have any vision, or if offered the
opportunity, could exist in the worlds which they claim to have
knowledge on.
“Ultimately, I’m happiest when I’m reading and when I am writing. So I
want that. But again–as we see with journalists–those have no
validity if they are backed by action or at the very least, the
potential for action. Which leads me back to my post….know what I
mean?”
And Drasko, I almost did it this afternoon. It as amazing.
What did Hollywood do to you?
But why does writing make you happy? If you can get paid 50k/year(whatever is ‘enough’) and just write and no one will ever read it, would you do it? Is there any part of you that likes knowing people will read your stuff, you’ll get attention, feedback? Do you crave this attention? These are the types of question I would typically ask myself whenever I think of something I think makes me happy.
Absolutely. And those are the questions I do ask myself. There is a need in me to contribute to discourse in a significant way–if I can’t do that, then why bother? But I have the faith in myself to believe that I CAN do that, if it’s what I decide.
Is that craving unhealthy? Perhaps. Is it when it is put in perspective? I hope not. And there are a lot worse things.
And without feedback, writing is masturbation.
I think you’re looking for validation on something you already know. Grow some balls
When I know, I’ll pull the trigger. Trust me.
You are a very intelligent young man who will accomplish many great things. The reason you are unsure of where to go at this point in your life is that you are working with organizations that are not deserving of your potential. Those with great ability should work on things that are great in scope, things that will truly change the world.
Entertainment alone is all well and good, but one of your skill should be working on projects of much more importance. I notice you have said your entertainment companies’ are staging a digital media revolution, but that is not a real revolution.
A revolution is something that alters the basic political make-up of the nations of the planet. Mao was a revolutionary. Julius Caesar was a revolutionary. Alexander the Great was a revolutionary. Your employers are not revolutionaries.
Many people think that the next real revolution that needs to happen is the unification of all nations into one under a World Government to end warfare permanently.
Many say this is an inevitable occurrence, for just as the European nations have now combined into the European Union and the preliminary structure of the United Nations has been put into place, soon the world will inevitably be unified into one nation with one World Government. The only question is who will oversee such a project, who will pre-emptively know what is going to happen and get on the money and power end of things?
Most people are too small-minded to think on a global scale, this would only be the kind of project that people who understood how world history works and how conquest and revolutions occur could undertake.
No doubt you already have the skills necessary to play a vital role in such an endeavor, for you are experienced in the use of new media which would undoubtedly be a key component to gathering the international support necessary for world unification without massive rebellion.
Anyways, I am just a random passerby throwing ideas out there. I do not know of any such organizations who are attempting projects such as this, but I’m sure if there were and you expressed a positive interest in the idea they would have the capability to find you themselves.
The reason I read your blog is not because your rehashing the same self-help bullshit as every other blog on the internet but because your different and your writing is authentic and real. I’ve learned that living day to day in the moment and constantly trying to elevate myself and my peers makes me feel great. I try to live my life through action and I’ve accomplished more for myself in the last six months then I have the twenty years before that. Keep learning and capturing the big picture but at the same time involve yourself in the environment around you. Have you ever thought about being a screenwriter or anything on those lines?? I know what you mean when you say you love to write but journalism is bullshit. I’d love to discuss this further – Best of luck
“Career Services Help”:
I don’t know what kind of bullshitter you are to call yourself “Career Services Help,” but you are completely missing the point. Notice the only bolded statement in this piece: “What do I want to do with my life?” Ryan is seeking out to find what he loves, and a way to get there. Just because he has the ability to dream and think big doesn’t mean he should pursue some random endeavor which you feel is important. How can do you know he is even interested in this kind of thing, or agrees with you and all the other “many people” that think the world should be unified into one nation?
Thanks for redefining the word “revolution” for us also. You’re right, clearly the only political revolutions are the important ones.
Aren’t you happy you don’t have to blog anymore Ryan? This guy just prescribed the perfect career path for you. He knows what it is that you love.
What do you guys think? Does the Career Service person have a point? I agree that much of the reluctance we feel might come from pursuing endeavors of a rather self-centered nature.
But politics? Is that any more meaningful? Or is it just as narcissistic as the rest?
“The raod to hell is paved with good intentions” or whatever the hell that saying is.
I don’t really think it matters whether or not you choose something that is more self-centered than altruistic because you can’t predict results. It’s been suggested that Bill Gates has done more for the ‘good’ of humanity as CEO of Microsoft than he will ever do through his charity foundation.
The Career Services person sounds more like a political activist than a counselor–classically a rather dubious persona. Sure there’s a point, but I don’t think going into politics is the end all way to change things. As a matter of fact, I don’t think it is very meaningful anymore. Narcissistic definitely but also delusional. If you’re not a fan of busy work then I’d say stay the hell away from politics.
Maybe you just need to get laid. Or get into a relationship. If Tucker can stand it, so can you.
Zing! You have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about
I read this and can’t help but think of the Quarter Life Crisis website that SlingBlade absolutely tore to shreds on the TMMB.
I have these conversations with myself often enough as I’m sure most people our age do. I put my money where my mouth was once, left absolutely everything to pursue my dream, and once I got there found out that 1) I’d never be admitted to the club and 2) a lot of the people I’d be working with I can’t stand. In the end I fucked myself socially and financially, but I’d do it all over again just to find another place where I shouldn’t be.
Like every other social situation it’s about putting yourself out there. You know where you want to put yourself, you just have to do it and accept whatever results come from it. I did it and ended up losing about a year of my life (no not jail) to a giant bureaucracy and I’m exactly were I left off TWO years ago. Fun times. I may have lost that time but I’ll never call it wasted.
Where I found something I wasn’t expecting, you may find exactly what you’re looking for. You know what you want, just take it.
Chris, it doesn’t matter whether you choose something that is more self-centered than altruistic because you can’t predict results? Your choices always influence the results and given a choice between doing something more self-centered than altruistic is dependent on one’s values. And the Bill Gates example, while you have a point, doesn’t always work because different people have different skillsets, you wouldn’t have a Gandhi try to sell computers would you?
Knowing I am biased and supporting the altruistic polarization, and this question reflects such, would quitting school/work/whatever help the greatest amount of people (which would ultimately help yourself as well)?
Please give it a thought. It’s quite interesting (to me at least) when making a (big or small) decision using that perspective.
There are not many careers I would rank as being lower than a journalist, but politics is definetly one of them.
At least politicians DO.
What do you guys think? Does the Career Service person have a point? I agree that much of the reluctance we feel might come from pursuing endeavors of a rather self-centered nature.
But politics? Is that any more meaningful? Or is it just as narcissistic as the rest?
Posted by: Ryan Holiday | August 15, 2007 09:15 PM
It’s not usually, but every once in a while politics can be very meaningful. Especially when it’s more an idea/message that you’re behind and less the candidate themselves.
While, I agree with their take that most can’t see the big/global picture, please do not take the specific advice of “Career Services Help” to support the formation of some One World Government – in order to “get on the money and power end of things”. How fucking scary is that? If he wasn’t just some bullshitter of course.
If you’re looking for something meaningful (imo) in the political arena, support a guy like Ron Paul as that is turning out to be what will be considered a historical campaign.
Also, while I appreciate your longer range focus, you’re young with hardly any responsibilities so don’t stress too much on this. Continue to surround yourself with solid people and keep trying things that look interesting to you.
Never mind. You’re not worth it.
It’s absurd to say there aren’t many careers lower than that of a journalist. I don’t know what brought you to that conclusion but I can tell it wasn’t by reading! And as for stupid comments like: “Never mind. You’re not worth it.” Boo-fucking-hoo. YOU’RE not worth it.
This may be overly simplistic, as it is based on this post and I know little of your history. But as much as you love to read and write, and as much as you hate offices, school and busywork, it begs the question:
Why aren’t you a writer?
You mentioned that you also hate the discord between what you do and who you are. Writing, certainly, is direct opposition to that. The time you spend doing the things you hate, at least some of it, could be allocated to things you love or want to pursue. And out of curiosity, other than running, and outside of any tasks that require a computer or phone, what are your activities?
Anyway, there’s no question in my mind that you’ve considered becoming a professional writer, but you haven’t really mentioned it as an option in this post. Why?
I have an announcement coming on that soon, but your questions are def. valid and ones that I continually ask myself.
Frankly, what do I have to say? You have to live life to be able to comment on it–or at least what I have always felt.
It seems to me you’ve typed out your own solution, and also what I was hinting at when asking you about your other activities: Go and live life. Whether that means kite-surfing, mountaineering, getting drunk or visiting China for you, I don’t know. But I’m sure you have an idea. Accrue some debt if you have to, but fucking do it.
What you’ve achieved is massive for someone of any age, let alone for a guy who can’t even legally purchase Zima. But you work with a personal hero; for God’s sake, follow his example a bit.
Then write about it.