[The following is a message I posted to a group of people I met at a conference a few weeks ago. Following the event we were supposed to give an update on our work. I saw the community descending into the self-gratifying, escapist and Resistance-laden tendencies that often ruin the promise of great people and great groups. I thought it was relevant to everyone here too.]

Since I was a speaker, I am not sure I am able to win this thing but I thought I would post anyway. In the last 30 days I have: finished my book, written the business plan and secured investing for a new startup, negotiated a $3M Groupon deal, driven 3,000 miles, traveled to 4 states (two I’d never been to before), ran and swam almost every day, hosted some great dinner parties with friends, attended my first crab boil and did plenty of thinking. And most proudly, I posted in this group approximately zero times. I consider this last accomplishment integral to having been able to manage the others.

I hope the following message is not misinterpreted. I’m not looking to be a troll. But it’s a worthwhile risk to warn of the dangerous turn virtual communities can take.

The internet is seductive. It allows us to be a fantasy version of ourselves without the pain of earning it. Our natural tendency to inflate, distract and rationalize are—all too kindly—confirmed, supported and inflated further still. Congratulation comes easy, problems are glossed over, everything finds an audience. It becomes so easy to talk online about what we are doing or what we plan to do that, hey, the next thing we know the day is through and we didn’t have time to actually fit in doing any of it.

Add into that an inherently and achingly supportive group such as this and even the most grounded person can start to swim in the rising waters of their own grandiosity. Think about the temptation offered by all this: we can fly all over the world to meet with people who make us feel accomplished just by association, who keep us in our bubble of self-satisfaction. Feeling down? Hint at it and a dozen comments affirming your incredible worth are there by next time you log on. The idea that our work must earn these gifts is lost. After talking enough about them, our goals become so reified in our minds that actually accomplishing them seems unnecessary.

Here is the hard truth though: none of it is real. I would argue that it is toxic and self-destructive. I have seen plans for meet ups that will occur a half a year from now. I’ve seen links to conference calls, to web chats, to email lists and a dozen other things. There must be 50,000 words of kindness and inspiration posted here. In a different context, these are good things (they are certainly better than, say, doing heroin) but they are not what people like us need. We need to WORK. And to work quietly and humbly and with discipline. The only relationship between work and chatter is that one kills the other. I have, and again I mean this with all the respect in the world, seen a lot of chatter in this group.

It was wonderful to meet all of you. I learned more at __________ than I have at every other conference I have ever been to combined, and then some. Some of the relationships I made there I know I will continue for years and years to come. If I could offer any service in return for the value I took from the event it would be this: the next time you see the red (1) alert from this group in the corner of your Facebook account, note it as a lost opportunity. Someone’s opportunity to work, to prove themselves, to say that thing which they claim to be compelled to say to the world, to make a difference, just evaporated. And needlessly so. Instead of seizing it, they came online and talked. They succumbed to taking easy credit instead of earning it the hard way. Don’t be that person.

Reading back what I have written so far, I feel I may have gotten a little carried away. But like the Stoics say to people who complain that their philosophy is too depressing: nobody needs a reminder that pleasure feels good. Sometimes its necessary to go the other direction and point out the negative side of things so we don’t become enslaved to them. I hope my post does that.

When I dropped out of school at 19 to start my first job in Hollywood, I didn’t know anything and I had no idea where I’d end up. Thankfully, I was attached to some smart and forgiving people who let me learn under them. I suppose I also had good instincts. Within a few short years, I’d become a bestselling author, the director of marketing for a publicly traded company and got to work on a ton of cool projects. I’ve hired my fair share of people now (fired them too) and having been through the ringer of young-person-just-starting-out-in-a-new-field close to a half dozen times, I figure I know it well enough to talk about it.

It goes like this: You’re scared but overconfident, clueless but eager to learn, just glad to be given a shot and you don’t want to screw it up. I tried to think of a few things I wish I’d been told when I was just starting, things that would have saved me some tough lessons. These are the things I still tell myself.

They are:

-Calm down.

-Assess the terrain. Sit there and observe. Figure out who the dominant personality types are, what makes them tick and how things really work. Don’t act, don’t give your opinion, don’t do anything until this has been done. When you understand the people, politics and the business (eg, the terrain) then you can begin to get to work.

–Always say less than necessary.

-The point isn’t just to prove that you’re capable, but also that you’re sane. In fact, if you had to pick between the two, being well-adjusted the better one. You can teach people how to do things. You can’t make them normal. In other words, leave your crazy at home.

-Stay on the radar. Your excuses need to be just not-flimsy enough that they don’t seem completely full of shit. If it passes that test, then any question, any update, any offer to worth using to stay in the frame.

-Don’t be too good at being an assistant (or an intern). In fact, the whole point is to be too good to be wasting your time and other people’s time at administrative shit that you mess up anyway.

-Remember, most people on the internet are losers and outsiders. “Don’t go expecting Plato’s Republic,” Marcus Aurelius would remind himself. Don’t go expecting Seth Godin, Jeff Jarvis or [insert industry blogger here]. Whatever you do, don’t quote them. Your job is to successfully mitigate their vision of how the World Magically Should Be with how it Realistically Is. If you can do that, you’re more revolutionary than they will ever be.

-If you’re working all the time—that is, if you don’t get to leave the office until midnight and got there at 5am—you’re doing something wrong. You’re either working for an idiot who is going to burn you out, or you’re the idiot and you haven’t figured out the short cuts. For a while I had 3 full time jobs (ones you’d have killed for) at the same time. I wasn’t working all hours of the same, I just did them simultaneously.

-Steer clear of the charlatans, lifers, and the toxic. You become who you know.

-On the same note, you can probably skip most of the “social” activities the job requires. Introductory calls, lunch meetings, parties and conferences are usually a waste. Don’t be friendless and don’t be rude, but these things are mostly collective effort to waste time and forget how unhappy everyone is. Besides, being the conspicuous absence can help build your reputation, if done right.

-Ask yourself: “Am I saying this because I want to prove how smart I am or am I saying this because it needs to be said?” When you’re just getting started, it’s usually the former.

-Forget credit. Fucking forget it so hard you’re glad when other people get it instead of you. After all, that’s your job—to make other people look better.

-Save your money. The smaller your nut each month, the less pressure you’ll feel to put up with stupid shit. It gives you the luxury of not being dependent on the system. It lets you see through it. (see: The Dress Suit Bribe)

-Write your own rules. Forget the bullshit ones (dress code, hours, hierarchy etc), follow the critical ones (getting results, never offend the wrong person) and do whatever you want. Seriously.

-Educate yourself. No one is ever going to teach you enough or hand it to you on a platter. Books and articles, and ask questions—an endless amount of them. People love to give advice and they love people who they don’t feel they have to drag to the next level.

-Make it happen. Nobody cares what it will take, what problems this causes for you, what personal stuff you have going on. Just get it done. You can tell us what you went through…after.

-Have an exit strategy. Know how this all fits into your grand strategy, this is the Start-Up of You. But also have the easily explainable, non-threatening goal that you tell people so you can maneuver in peace. If you’re working at a management company, don’t tell everyone your goal is to be a stand up comedian. The grand strategy is just for you.

-Don’t expect anyone else to understand. It’s your job to find a release and an outlet for the stress and the feelings. Never forget: the crazy stays at home.

-Relax.

Most importantly, remember that you are not special. There were a million other kids on this path before you and there will be another million after. Most of them either went nowhere or turned out to be nothing. Even the successful ones might still flame out or be assholes. What does this mean? It means don’t get high on yourself. Don’t tell yourself a story. Be quiet, work hard, and stay healthy. It’s not ambition or skill that is going to set you apart—notice I didn’t mention those things a single time. It’s safe to assume you’ve already got them covered. What will set you apart, what is rare, is humility, diligence and self-awareness.

One last thing. You can always email me (as many of you have taken it upon yourself to do). I’ve been there. I’m still there in some ways. But like I said, I’ve been through this ringer more times and with more riding on it than most people. I’m happy to help.

In the midst of the breakdown of the Roman Republic, during the Civil War between Pompey and Caesar, Pompey made the decision to give control of the military fleet to Cato, the philosopher-politician. A gratifying honor and responsibility for Cato, a chance for the perpetual outsider to put his ideas into action. Yet only days later, under pressures of jealousy and paranoia from his inner circle, Pompey reversed his decision and took the command away.

It was an enormous public humiliation. To be demoted, basically cashiered, for no good reason. But the record shows that Cato’s reaction to this was basically nothing. In fact, he responded with equal indifference to promotion and the demotion. His support for the cause remained unwavering. He did not sulk away or grow bitter. On the eve of battle, when the men—his men, the very men he should have been commanding—were restless and undisciplined, Cato was the one the generals turned to for the right words. They asked him to propel the men to a victory that should have been his. So he did.

See, Cato declined to take the slights personally. And this was possible because he declined to take the honors personally as well. Neither the good, the bad—the dignity nor the indignity—provoked a change in Cato. They could not make him feel better or worse, rewarded or unrewarded. He was immune to the seduction of external events.