Dialing In
When I first started running again, I think the only way to describe it was angry. I can see myself (the funny thing people take for granted about being self-conscious is that you can picture yourself from angles you’ve never actually seen, like an image of yourself swimming taken from a helicopter hover behind or head) – taking corners at full stride, grinding and heaving. It was about pushing myself so hard that I’d hurt afterward and if I didn’t I’d feel restless and lazy. I’d think about as much as I could and come home and drip sweat all over a legal pad trying to get it down before I lost it.
But now it’s transitioned to something different. I often do the same courses as before but they’re relaxing, steady and peaceful. A rhythm. I can still do 3 miles in 21 minutes (8, 7, 6mm) but it’s not some perversely enjoyed punishment any longer. When I don’t bring an ipod, I’ll return to realize that I spent 40 minutes without a thought. If I do it in the morning, around midnight, I’ll feel like going again. Or I’ll head down and jump rope until I get back into the flow.
The thing, I think, about running like that, or doing anything manically for that matter is that it’s a mask for a search for purpose. As you start to get closer to finding a reason, things slow down. I didn’t find what I was looking for hacking and beating away at the air. It was when I dialed that things started to shift. Instead of trying to get ‘back to where it used to be’ – an allure that is so tempting because it feels right – the idea is to move on to the next thing. To find where you’re flailing wildly elsewhere and approach it with maturity and dispassion.
This is quite possibly my favorite post from you since fight club moments way back. The emotions and thoughts you lay out in this piece are so very reflective of my current feelings. I just turned 20 and I too hold this romanticized view of the past (which is probably in accurate) but keeps my thoughts anchored in the past. A very insightful post, as I feel many are since they are linked so inseparably to the general age range we share. Maybe these feelings are our bodies/subconscious/whatever telling us it is time to move on. It would be how Philalawyer says ‘finding purpose in movement’. It takes two points to make line and a line to find out where you are going. Movement is a necessity
Really great post.
Great post Ryan.
I was thinking about a similar notion today, except with a lot more pessimism than in your post. I was at a book reading of some McCarthy-esque grizzled, old (self proclaimed oldest living first time published) author and the excerpt he chose to read from his book was about being fresh out of university and enjoying that process when you have all the ideas but you don’t know what to do with them. As he spoke, I thought, shit, that’s sort of where I’m at now. At 27 I find myself wishing that I was 21 again and discovering new ideas all the time — like that post you wrote before about ideas that shake your cognitive foundation. Those type of revelations are few and far between these days, and if they happen it’s usually a modification of an existing idea rather than a new one. Yet, after listening to this old author, I’m thinking I really need to enjoy right now. I need to enjoy these moments where you really contemplate your knowledge and begin to form concrete perspectives about the world because soon enough I’ll be looking back on, and yearning for, these formative years.
The pessimism came when I projected the process into the long-term. It seems that eventually, when we harness all the knowledge we’ve encountered, that it’s a consumable experience, not sustainable. That all we’re working towards is an inevitably fallible conclusion based upon life experience.
In that light, I think it’s good to go for that angry thrashing about run once in a while. Contemplation of knowledge is absolutely crucial, but I think creating new knowledge, new perspectives, new experience is equally as valuable and derived from those runs where you have an un-centered purpose. It leads back into the whole corrupt DNA argument we see the internet exposing each new day. If you’re not constantly evolving from the roots, you’re going to grow stale fast.
I guess what I’m saying is that as soon as your runs become too sanitary or commonplace, it might be time to burst into an angry sprint for a few days. The energy breeds ignorance and misconception but it’ll also provide new material for you to mull over in future runs.
Youthful energy, or any raw energy for that matter, will trump convention eventually.