As is my nature to fill any free time with stress or paranoia, I have been killing myself the last week or so, agonizing over my decision. (Which I will do a big post on later, but for now, is unimportant) I thought I was on track until I hit requisite Resistance and started the slide. The flood of emotions, the details, the considerations, obligations and promises…

“It’s just life.”

Why am I killing myself over it? Breathe. It hit me as I pulled into the parking space and a wave of calm had washed over me by the time I’d turned off the ignition. Isn’t it made to be lived? Aren’t we supposed to make big calls? And aren’t some of them supposed to fail and others succeed? Either way, this is what I am supposed to do. That is, weigh the evidence, make a decision and trust that it will be OK. What if it’s not–well, it is surely not going to kill me. I know that success requires total commitment and I have never had a problem throwing myself into things. But let’s just say I–or you–make the wrong choice. So?

It’s ironic too that the younger you are, the more important, more urgent, these things seem to be. They take on an aura of seriousness that rivals life and death–“Hey, my whole future is at stake here.” Jesus Christ. I catch myself doing this all the time. Let’s say I live to 70, that’s a solid 50 years left. I can’t even fathom that long. There is so very, very little that you cannot undo in that time, that you can’t turn into an overall positive. Some investments take a long time to pay off. Just as many pay out instantly–beyond your comprehension. Sometimes, you carry a loss to lower the taxes on a gain. What does it matter? If youth is not the time for calculated risk and big plans, what time is? It would be impossible to think that you would never have to screw up, and greedy to think you deserve to insulate yourself from that process well after you’re ready to deal with it. This is not excuse for failure but a certain kind of freedom. It’s the basis behind the “Relax, it’s going to be fine,” and the “Just let it rides.” The point is this: The very worst that can happen is that you fuck up, have to start over a little, and ultimately learn from it. The rest is just logistics. The rest is just logistics. And is being obsessed with logistics anyway to live?

I can tell you with emphatic certainty–at 20–that it is not. It is miserable. It will drive you into depression and anger and fear. Each worry you cut from your life increases happiness. Simple as that. And the younger you are, the less you should worry about. Listen, learn, consider, execute, evaluate and start it over again. You, I, have even less of an excuse for self-importance and reluctance than those with families, and careers, and mortgages at stake.

Remember, it’s just life. As cliche as it sounds, it’s meant to be lived. It’s meant to be enjoyed and it is designed around taking chances. Stress, worry, obsession, second-guessing, these are just impediments and crutches that take from you. Excise them as you would a cancer or a bad friend and wake up each morning with a lighter load and less-heavy heart. I woke up that way today and I plan to do it tomorrow.

“The real advantage which truth has, consists in this, that when an opinion is true, it may be extinguished once, twice, or many times, but in the course of ages there will generally be found persons to rediscover it, until some one of it it reappearance falls on a time when favourable circumstances it escapes persecution until it has made such head as to withstand all subsequent attempts to suppress it. ”

John Stuart Mill

On Liberty

“Who can compute what the world loses in the multitude of promising intellects combined with timid characters, who dare no follow out any bold, vigorous, independent train of thought, lest it should land them in something which would admit of being considered irreligious or immoral?”

John Stuart Mill

On Liberty

“No one can be a great thinker who does not recognize that as a thinker it is his first duty to follow his intellect to whatever conclusions it may lead. Truth gains more even by errors of one who, with due study and preparation thinks for himself, than by the true opinions of those who only holds them because they do not suffer themselves to think.”

John Stuart Mill

On Liberty

I especially like the middle one. It took me a while to get these up to the Book Quotes and Passages Section, so I don’t remember much about the book, other than that it was pretty dense. One really interesting assertion he makes in it is that while Marcus Aurelius persecuted thousands of Christians, he was at the same time, unknowingly one of its most pious followers. And that had he realized this, and made it the official religion of Rome (instead of making way for Constantine to do it much later), the world would have been introduced to a dramatically less violent and vindictive version of the faith. This of course would have altered the course of the thought in an unquantifiable way. In fact, he calls this one of the most tragic ironies of history. And he discussions on why dissent is valuable and the danger of suppression are especially relevant in an era that combines the insulation of the Bush Administration and the stupidity of Political Correctness.

Rather than read it, I’d just scroll through the WikiQuote version, you get about the same.

I posted about Seth Godin last week and over the weekend about the decision I am trying to make. I think Seth’s post really converges everything I have been working out in my head:

The future is not about time at all. The future is about work that’s really and truly hard, not time-consuming. It’s about the kind of work that requires us to push ourselves, not just punch the clock. Hard work is where our job security, our financial profit, and our future joy lie.

It’s hard work to make difficult emotional decisions, such as quitting a job and setting out on your own. It’s hard work to invent a new system, service, or process that’s remarkable. It’s hard work to tell your boss that he’s being intellectually and emotionally lazy. It’s easier to stand by and watch the company fade into oblivion. It’s hard work to tell senior management to abandon something that it has been doing for a long time in favor of a new and apparently risky alternative. It’s hard work to make good decisions with less than all of the data.

Hard work is about risk. It begins when you deal with the things that you’d rather not deal with: fear of failure, fear of standing out, fear of rejection. Hard work is about training yourself to leap over this barrier, tunnel under that barrier, drive through the other barrier. And, after you’ve done that, to do it again the next day.

If you haven’t read it yet, you really should. The things that have been making this difficult for me: fear, stubbornness, ego, even a tinge of reverence for the status-quo, don’t stand up to his spotlight. That’s the thing–we put up all sorts of delusions and exceptions and “but for me it’s different” instead of just manning up and doing what we need to do. Godin and Ferriss too, are saying that HOURS are meaningless. What matters is results and balls. And that clears a little up for me.