Stop. Examine. Reconsider.
The first time a recovering addict thinks about relapsing and outsmarts the impulse, they’ve formed a additional layer of consciousness: a constant examination of why they might be driven to do something.
Most of us lack this. It’s strange that in our most formative period we were not taught to think this way. Remember back to when you were a teenager. It was almost exclusively a matter of whether some was or was not allowed. Never: “why are you doing this?” “tell me what compels you to get so wasted?” “have you ever wondered why you want a 26 year old boyfriend?”
There is no prompting to question the desires themselves – only to check them against the posted rules and guidelines. This creates addicts. Addicts, losers, constant wall-crashers, the people who just can’t seem to function like the rest of us. It strips you have the ability to notice patterns in your own behavior – to catch what strikes impartial observers as being obviously reactions or connections. Most importantly, you learn to make a habit of trusting “the little voice inside you” long before its developed a track record of success.
As a child, parents often recognize this duality. Excuse him, he’s just upset because he hasn’t had his nap yet. And later, in adulthood, we tacitly acknowledge it all the time. The serial single are supposed to recognize what causes them to submarine relationships and men are expected to resist the humorous temptations of their mid-life crisis. But where are these skills taught?
Certainly nowhere I’ve ever been. In fact, we pay lip service to the opposite all the time. Go with your gut. Do what feels right. Follow your own path. But we are the problem.
By definition, what addicts leave with is an ability that transcends the “self” in self-awareness. It is calling the credentials of your instincts into question – auditing them, forcing them to stand up under scrutiny. So while this might not technically be self-awareness, I think it is certainly a kind of self-respect. And do you really believe it’s available only to people who have hit bottom?
No real comment – just praise. Really good post.
I don’t think it’s ultimately something only people who have hit bottom have access to. Many psychologists help their patients realize that they have to accept and understand their “evolutionary impulses” and understand that thousands of years of evolution has not prepared us for the social and cognitive pressures of today.
However, people who haven’t hit rock bottom never have any reason to understand these evolutionary double standards. For example, most people feel butterflies in their stomach before they go out on a date. A social anxiety patient might suffer from nausea, shortness of breath, and feelings of fear. The same fight-or-flight reaction is happening here, but the socially anxious person needs to develop the ability to understand and control the feelings brought about by their evolutionary traits. Basically, most people have a watershed moment that causes them to analyze their gut instincts. That sort of awareness of one’s feelings usually doesn’t just happen out of the blue.
“The Time Paradox” by Philip Zimbardo outlines an interesting framework for analyzing this problem. It also cites a study that shows impulse control in small children is one of the best indicators of future success, right up there with socioeconomic background.
To sum, inaccurately paraphrase and insert my own opinion, some of us live way too much in the moment and some others live way too much in the future. Balance is key.
The people who say go with your gut are probably the futures trying to give advice to the presents, which doesn’t work – much like DARE, for example. DARE has no impact of drug use in schools because people who use drugs do it not out of ignorance, but because in the moment they do not care about future consequences.
That was a decent book although I thought he wrote one much more interesting called “the lucifer effect,” detailing some ways in which otherwise good people can be driven to act immorally. You could make the case that the two subjects are connected in some ways.
Motivation is basically everything in life. What you’re describing can in some way be called meta-motivation.
Although your stoic demeanor will oobviously have you dissociate from praise.
Good post.
I think we make decisions every day which boil down to easy, short term gain vs. more long term planning. It starts from the time I wake up, when my alarm goes off and I can either hit the snooze button and subsequently rush to get to work or make the harder choice and get out
PART 2.
…of bed. Waking up with the first ring of my alarm is the harder action to take in the moment, but certainly makes for an easier time once I’m getting ready. Similarly, I can either take the time to prepare a healthy breakfast of steel cut oats, or I can eat the instant, sugar-laden crap straight out of the package. Making the instant is more convenient in the moment, but not the most beneficial for my health. I think these decisions are ubiquitous–should I exercise after dinner or watch TV? And the better answer isn’t usually hard to determine.